Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
