I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
