the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
