I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
