A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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