Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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