Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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