I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
