My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
