Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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