I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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