Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
