my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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