Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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