Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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