$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
