my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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