Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
