I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
