I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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