I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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