mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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