Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
