dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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