i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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