Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
