Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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