Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
