grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
