I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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