can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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