We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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