remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
