I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
