she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
