my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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