i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I think I won the penis lottery.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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