Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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