Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
