and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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