Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
