Please, let me fuck your mom
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
