made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
