you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
