halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
