My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
