UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
