It's like a parade of train wrecks.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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