i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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