there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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