So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
