God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
