just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
