i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
