Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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